There have been times when a person’s tone of voice or manner of speaking is so disconcerting I’ve found myself obsessing over just what it was I heard. My mind rewinds and replays segments of the conversation that sounded screwy. I’ve discovered through trial and error that this churning is an alert and forewarning, which continues to sound off until I address the situation.

The first time I recall this type of knowing was the day my mother died. My father and mother were divorced. My father met me after school at our apartment. His visitation days were on the weekends, so when he showed up I knew the unmentionable had happened.

I started to cry. He pulled out and opened a tri fold letter, and said it was from my mother. He began to read it to me. As I looked on, I felt uneasy. The letter was typed with many X’ed out words. I became suspicious. “Why would my mother type me a letter” I thought. She was a writer and editor, but she always hand wrote personal letters. I never saw her use her typewriter at home. In fact I don’t think she had one at home.  As my father continued, something in his tone of voice and manner of speaking was telling. The letter sounded pretentious. The sentence structure was short and choppy. The phrasing was strange. The letter was written like a list, and lacked emotion; the antithesis of my mother.  I tried to imagine her speaking these words. I couldn’t. My mind filled with questions. I began to press him for answers. “Did my mother really write this? Is this the original letter? Why did she type a letter to me? Does someone else have my letter? 

“This is the original letter” my father replied, trying to reassure me. But it didn’t. For eight years I continued to ask the same questions and for eight years he coveted the truth. On my sixteenth birthday, my father called me upstairs to his room. He wanted to give me my birthday gifts. The first one he presented was my mother’s hand written letter… I was stunned but not surprised, and I was furious! My father withheld the most personal and precious link to my mother; her voice in writing. The heartfelt words she wrote to comfort me through the loss of her. She also composed some personal philosophical “Do’s and Don’ts written for an eight year old, to guide me through the milestones and tribulations that she’d be absent for. In reading the original letter all my suspicions were verified. For whatever his reasons, my father deleted the tender and tearful parts. In an attempt to temper my pain he created irreparable damage between us by lying to me straight-faced for eight years.

It takes a lot for a child to sever parental ties but something positive came from this experience. I confirmed how telling, tone of voice and manner of speaking are, especially when someone is being deceptive.  Recovering my mother’s original letter gave me courage to challenge my father again, which I did when I reunited with my sister. That story appears in a previous blog.   

I sat down to write this post on Father’s Day after watching a story on CBS Sunday Morning that gave me pause about my own relationship with my father. It was a story about a man who made peace with his father some years after his death. As a child he tried to win his father’s respect and affection but this father lacked empathy for his own boy. Ironically the father passed along belongings that would generate worldwide recognition, boundless joy and personal fulfillment The son inherited all of his dad’s wood working tools, which now craft hand carved, one of a kind, exquisitely fashioned, canoes. These labors of love are sought by others who share a passion for canoeing.

In a roundabout way, both our fathers gave us invaluable tools that helped us map out clear paths toward brighter futures.

My childhood experiences clearly had impact on heightening my ability to decipher when someone is being inauthentic, but sometimes it takes a few experiences to teach you a lesson that’s everlasting.  I’ve included another experience I had as an adult which involved learning the hard way how a tone of voice and manner of speaking can signal that something is wrong.

Years ago I decided to try an online dating service. A nice looking and personable man (in print) contacted me.  After emailing back and forth awhile we decided to speak over the phone. As soon as I heard his voice I had a strong visceral reaction to how he sounded. I can’t remember what we talked about, probably work and our children, but I clearly remember shaking my head and thinking his voice sounded whiny. It reminded me of an adolescent boy who complains, blames and feels victimized. He cited a litany of problems that included problems with his co-workers, his former wife and two sons.

He was eager to meet me. I was very hesitant. I deferred because each time we spoke his voice really bugged me. In hindsight this tone of voice and manner of speaking conveyed a lot, and still I succumb to an inner voice most of us can identify, that tries to rationalize and minimize feelings. I call this voice the “Yes But “.  It said things like, “You are being judgmental! How trivial and nit picky to find fault with a guy just because you don’t like the way he sounds. That’s not fair or very nice of you.”  This voice may try to generate possibilities but more often than not, it stifles and chokes instinctive knowing.

 We finally arranged to meet. He lived down south and decided to combine a business trip with our date.  And so began the next few months of long distance dating. At first things were peachy. He was charming, super sensitive and polite. He immediately embraced and engaged my school aged children. It was like a living dream which abruptly turned into a nightmare. The winds changed. He became moody and antagonistic particularly towards my son. He was critical and blamed me for his miseries. He reminded me of my father, who was bipolar. He needed clinical help and I need out of the relationship, pronto. I was lucky things ended relatively peacefully. I wish my children had been spared this experience. I know now that my children are adults, that we are all better versed at heeding our instincts and taking note of someone’s tone of voice and manner of speaking. Remember if or when the Yes But voice tries to interfere, to be a fair and a good judge of yourself.

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